I was just talking to Autumn, and when ever I do that I seem to be struck with a lot of words. We were talking about the world. I know this sounds awkward, I know that I'm deep and always rambling on to you about emotion and love, and everything else I can get my hands on. I apologize if I bore you with my rambling. I was talking to her about how I feel as though I need something drastic to happen in my life. College is all good, and fine, but I don't feel like I am learning anything about life. I'm not saying I am going to drop out of college, I'm just saying that it doesn't feel like enough. It feels so fucking normal. I don't want to work a 9-5, I don't want to pop out some kids, spend my entire life working, and then sit and rot in retirement. But the thing is.. this is where you tie into my life. Sometimes I feel really down. Like I don't know if I have the strength to hold on, and like I'm setting myself up for heart ache. When ever this happens, however, I always hear this little voice inside my head that tells me how important it is to actually be committed to something. With you, commitment is easy. That scares me, because I've never truly been committed to anything in my life. I'm 20 years old, 2 years into college, and all I have are bits and pieces of what I'd like to do with my life. It disgusts me that I have to take all these classes that have NOTHING to do with my degree. I get so fed up. I struggle through algebra, racking my brain and not understanding it at all, and it has nothing to do with my major at all. I was going somewhere with this... let me get back on track..
When I think about what I am suppose to do... I think of the fact that with you, it'd be a lot easier. The working until I die, popping out some children.. retirement, analogy. With you, none of those things could ever be "normal", or "boring" because you seem to make everything in my life exciting. What ever I say I'd like to do you support me 100% and tell me that you know I can do it. I could tell you I wanted to plant flowers on the moon for a living, and you'd say it sounded like a great idea. I absoluetly LOVE that about you. And I love that... if you told me you wanted to plant flowers on the moon for a living, I'd support you 100% because I know that you can do what ever it is that you set your mind to doing.
I'm sick of boring life, I'm sick of whats normal and typical, and I'm sick of the lack of excitement. I need something big to happen, something life changing. I need to get away and out and see and do, not just talk about it anymore. I was laying in Kristens sisters room last night and this thought crossed my head. One that is hinted to, but I never really actually say, because its a really scary thought.
I think I could spend the rest of my life with you.
There I said it. Reading that makes me feel uncomfortable. Like putting it to words makes it easier for it to be destroyed. But I guess somtimes, you have to learn to stop holding yourself back, and actually say what you feel and think. and so I am doing that. I takes everything I have in order to actually have faith in the fact that everything is going to turn out alright, and also to have faith in the fact that... for the first time in so long, I'm actually making myself vulnerable and susceptible to pain.
so... I just wanted to write you, tell you I love you, I'm thinking about you.. all that
I hope you're staying warm, and sleeping, and that your terrible cough goes away.
I love you so much Michael.
- "March 24th 2008"