Put it to an end.
captivas
Its been 6 long hard years with this journal. 6! I've held onto the same journal, and wrote in it on and off. Sometimes more often then others. I've decided to retire this journal. I'm not quite sure if I want to make another one, or how I'd like to go about it. But I am going to get this one printed, so I can save it and look back at it one day.

Its been a long one live journal. With many, many different changes from the point that I have created you. Its time to put you to rest, in a sense.

Love always,

Lydia McCarter-Spelman

All Smiles.
captivas
I finally am NOT pregnant!

On weds I took castor oil, by advice of my midwife. I was 40 weeks 2 days, and she was worried they were going to have to induce. Castor oil= terrible. The experience was both good, and bad. I had contractions for two days straight. On the first day, I slept through the majority of them. The second day was hell. I was contracting so bad. Mikes mom called and told Mike to take me to the mall. Walking through it was absolute hell, but once we got home the contractions got even stronger. Finally around 12am they were between 3-4 minutes apart. By 1 I was in the hospital, and dilated to 4 centimeters. At this point, after having painful contractions for 2 days, I was ready to do anything to get the pain to go away. Luckily I got an epidural within an hour of being in the hospital. By 4am I was feeling good, no more pain. The midwife came in and asked if I wanted her to check my progress, and I said yeah why not. Surprisingly, I had gone from 4 centimeters to 9 centimeters in 2 hours! I could feel my epidural waring off, and was a little bit concerned. It wasn't bad, but I could feel the contractions. My midwife asked if I wanted to try to push, and I felt ready. Literally.. 10 pushes, and Sebastien entered the world. My midwife was in awe, and said that births like mine made her want to scream hallelujah! Although the 2 days prior made my labor experience tough, I couldn't have had a better experience with the hospital experience. 5 hour active labor, I'll take it!


The first night we brought Sebastien home, I thought I was going to die. Literally, die. His sleep schedule was all messed up, and he was up screaming from 11pm-5am. I didn't send him to the nursery at all in the hospital, so I was already sleep deprived as it was. I found myself in his nursery bouncing with him, crying. However, tonight was a complete success. From 8pm on, until this point, hes been sleep. We made it a point to not let him sleep as much yesterday. It made a wonderful difference.

I woke up around 12am and I haven't been able to go back to sleep. I also noticed that oh wow, my boobs are the size of Pamela Andersons. I guess my milk came in over night. I seriously feel right now, like life couldn't get any better. I know its just the beginning, and things will get tough, but I am just so content. I figured out everything with Sebastiens insurance, Mike has a GREAT job making incredibly good money, and right now I really just don't feel like I have a worry in the world.

Life feels great :)
Now, I've got to drop about 40lbs. Hopefully Bfing will help with that. But I am shocked by how much my stomach went down. I really expected it to be so much worse, but it isn't bad at all. I already feel better about my body. I can't wait to get back into my old clothes again.

I guess thats about all. All smiles.

36 weeks, and full of fury.
captivas
I wonder if I'll do this again. I wonder if Sebastien will have a little brother or sister around. I don't know, I've complained and bitched my way through pregnancy. I was an only child, I turned out alright. I feel huge. Huge, and uncomfortable. Like one sudden movement and a baby would drop out of my vagina. I realized a few entries ago I talked about Mike and the contracting position he was offered. He turned that down, by the way. Which I was incredibly happy about.

Our house in TN is now leaking water. So that means, there is mold. Mold, the electric is effed, and the house is sagging. Its such a great house. I want to just say good bye to it and not think about it ever again. This paying 450 a month for a piece of shit house we aren't living in, is becoming a bit much.

I've been going a little bit crazy living so close to Mikes family. There are just so many of them, and I feel like they demand so much attention. I don't want to have to share my husband with each and every person who wants his attention. That may sound selfish, but I don't think so. I should get more then one full day a week with him. It'd be different if he was working, but hes not. And they're just too much. I love them all, don't get me wrong, but we need to live like 45 minutes away so its complicated to make plans and not everyone just stops in all of the time.

So thats my update, I don't know what else to say. I want to write in this journal more. I just don't feel inspired like I used to. Maybe its because I write for a living, and writing just feels dull. Or maybe its because I really don't have anything to cry about, and that used to be the main purpose of this journal. Either way, I don't have a lot of words.

I think this is normal.
captivas
Well, here I am 34 weeks pregnant. Almost 35 at this point. I am a giant belly. That's all I can really explain it as. I am starving at all times, and I just don't care anymore. I have gained well over 50lbs, but luckily I am going into my 9th month next week. I just can't even care about it. I did for so long, and I let it bother me so much. I know I'll go back with breast feeding and my elliptical. I just need to suck it up, fight off those ed demons, and allow Sebastien to get the nutrients that he needs.

I had that wake up call while we were in the WIC office yesterday. (hooray for being low income)
All of these screaming children around me. And then I had that thought. The one that most people won't tell you about, but because this is my journal, I can say it. "Am I really cut out for this?". I know I will be. I don't think anyone is until they're put in that situation. Its just scary. This little life form is yours, and it depends on you and needs you to keep it safe. I can't wait to meet him, see him, hold him. I can't believe we're almost done now. Part of me doesn't want it to end, I want to keep him in there. Its safe in there. But I know that's irrational, and I don't want to be one of those "Woman has been pregnant for 40 years with fossilized fetus", head lines. I know Mike will be there, and it will be exciting and frightening all at the same time.

But am I ready? Are you ever ready? I don't think so. At least I've got the basics:

housing
insurance
doctor
income (ish)

All lined up.

We can do this. I know we can. I feel like that movie "away we go" really defines my life right now.
Except I am a less attractive version of Maya Rudolph, and how well her body looks pregnant.

thats all.

:'(
captivas
Right now, I would give anything to walk without being in pain.
I can't seem to do anything to fix this. Excedrin tension head ache takes away the pain
for a little while (and even that is only about 50% of it), but it just comes right back. Walking/sitting/laying all hurt.
With my research I am pretty sure its sciatic nerve pain.
I want to cry.
Its been this way for the past 5 days. Nothing makes it stop.
If Mike massages the area it gets a little bit better.. but it still continues to throb.
I am also nesting.. and I can't even get up long enough to clean, so that's making the ocd
like symptoms even more miserable.
I'd rate my pain level on average, if I am trying to walk at all, at a 8.

constant-fucking-pain.

Someone kill me now.
Or better yet, get this baby out of me!

29 weeks down, 11 to go.

I think were alone now.
captivas
Mike got an offer from a contracting company. 111,000 a year.
We've got a lot of sorting out to do, but I think hes going to take it. He'll probably do it for a year, and
then come back for a full year. One year on, one year off. Something like that.
I texted his sister today and said "With Mike gone and me being the only one raising Sebastien.. I am going to probably spend a whole lot of money at your Salon getting extensions from ripping my hair out of my head".

I don't like the thought of him being gone three months, home for 5 weeks - ect, but like he said "I either miss out on certain aspects of Sebastien's first year, or we struggle to make enough money to take care of things".

So, it looks like Sebastien and I will be spending the majority of his first year alone.
I've done it once, I can do it again.

*sigh*

Yada, Yada, Yada.
captivas
I had a doctors appt. today, 27 weeks :)
I have gained a grand total of 41 lbs so far =X. Yeah I know, huge. I did explain to my midwife though that I am guessing the excess weight gain stems from the fact that I quit smoking as soon as I found out there was a little human in me. But god, I'd love to be back to 140lbs. I know I'll get there. Its getting tough lately, I'm having some serious self esteem issues. The whole "This is not my body, give me my body back" thing. Its no surprise that I've always struggled with issues regarding my weight. I was heavier then I've ever been when I got pregnant, and now I just feel like a balloon. But I do realize that its for Sebastien, and his health, and all of that yada yada.

Mike got his first call from a contracting company interested in hiring him. It was a recruiter, but hes going to write Mike a letter of recommendation. They're looking for someone to fill a PSD position, so Mike is a great candidate. His training alone would allow him to pull in 100 a day, for 45 days. He'd be shipped off to New Mexico. We;re guessing the contracting position is paying, at the very least, around 300$ a day. Of course my response is "I am going to rip my hair out if you do this, with me just having a baby". But, then I also consider the fact that when he gets back we'd be capable of paying off our house in TN, paying for our car, and putting a down payment on house in a better location. I'd miss my husband, but unlike when he was in the army, he'd be gone three months and back a month, then repeat. I don't know, I say they have to be offering him over 100,000. This is a good possibility.


I've been looking at houses in South Lyon. I want to live close enough to home, but also in a small community with a good reputation for their school district. Maybe Dexter, or Chelsea. I just don't know. House has to be at least 4 bed rooms. Yeah, Mike knows hes in trouble. He said "You are my wife, so I can't say that you wouldn't be spending over 100 a day". When did I get to be so expensive?

Well.. thats all.
We're going to make dinner now, and enjoy the night :)

"March 24th 2008"
captivas
Michael,

I was just talking to Autumn, and when ever I do that I seem to be struck with a lot of words. We were talking about the world. I know this sounds awkward, I know that I'm deep and always rambling on to you about emotion and love, and everything else I can get my hands on. I apologize if I bore you with my rambling. I was talking to her about how I feel as though I need something drastic to happen in my life. College is all good, and fine, but I don't feel like I am learning anything about life. I'm not saying I am going to drop out of college, I'm just saying that it doesn't feel like enough. It feels so fucking normal. I don't want to work a 9-5, I don't want to pop out some kids, spend my entire life working, and then sit and rot in retirement. But the thing is.. this is where you tie into my life. Sometimes I feel really down. Like I don't know if I have the strength to hold on, and like I'm setting myself up for heart ache. When ever this happens, however, I always hear this little voice inside my head that tells me how important it is to actually be committed to something. With you, commitment is easy. That scares me, because I've never truly been committed to anything in my life. I'm 20 years old, 2 years into college, and all I have are bits and pieces of what I'd like to do with my life. It disgusts me that I have to take all these classes that have NOTHING to do with my degree. I get so fed up. I struggle through algebra, racking my brain and not understanding it at all, and it has nothing to do with my major at all. I was going somewhere with this... let me get back on track..

When I think about what I am suppose to do... I think of the fact that with you, it'd be a lot easier. The working until I die, popping out some children.. retirement, analogy. With you, none of those things could ever be "normal", or "boring" because you seem to make everything in my life exciting. What ever I say I'd like to do you support me 100% and tell me that you know I can do it. I could tell you I wanted to plant flowers on the moon for a living, and you'd say it sounded like a great idea. I absoluetly LOVE that about you. And I love that... if you told me you wanted to plant flowers on the moon for a living, I'd support you 100% because I know that you can do what ever it is that you set your mind to doing.

I'm sick of boring life, I'm sick of whats normal and typical, and I'm sick of the lack of excitement. I need something big to happen, something life changing. I need to get away and out and see and do, not just talk about it anymore. I was laying in Kristens sisters room last night and this thought crossed my head. One that is hinted to, but I never really actually say, because its a really scary thought.

I think I could spend the rest of my life with you.

There I said it. Reading that makes me feel uncomfortable. Like putting it to words makes it easier for it to be destroyed. But I guess somtimes, you have to learn to stop holding yourself back, and actually say what you feel and think. and so I am doing that. I takes everything I have in order to actually have faith in the fact that everything is going to turn out alright, and also to have faith in the fact that... for the first time in so long, I'm actually making myself vulnerable and susceptible to pain.

so... I just wanted to write you, tell you I love you, I'm thinking about you.. all that
I hope you're staying warm, and sleeping, and that your terrible cough goes away.


I love you so much Michael.

Lets just be honest.
captivas
This wont be about pregnancy, because frankly, I don't feel like writing about it. Also, I made a lj to write letters to my baby: dearbabie. Here, I'd like to talk about some other things. But first, I want to update. Lets do that.

[update]

I am moving back home. I've been back in Michigan for the past.. month and a half? Since my 23rd birthday. Mike and I are going to rent his sisters house in Ypsilanti. Mike is going to school, so hes getting his GI Bill, and unemployment. I am writing and pulling in another 400 a month. Not much, but enough to make a difference and basically pay the mortgage in TN. It will do.

We're considering becoming caregivers. Yes, legal marijuana growers for patients. I think we'd be perfect for it, as neither one of us have the need to smoke weed. This is the drug dealers problem, after all. They smoke the profit. We would just grow, and sell. God bless the USA.

Since we've been back, of course, Mike received a call from the Nashville PD, as well as a letter about a corrections position in Nashville, too. Of course, no job offers while we were there. But now, we get two. And not two randoms. Two really good positions. But we don't want to move home now. Angels house is becoming home :) We've got a nice big back yard for Rodger and Chance, and three decent size bedrooms. Plus, a large basement. I'll be delivering at UofM.

A literal retard wrecked our jag. Yes, a mentally handicapt individual. However, it was deemed totaled, which is good. But.... the only person who allowed us to actually buy a vehicle was Honda. Mike is a car guy. Through and through. And him driving a honda is like me opting to wear velcro shoes.



He said if he can make an insight look cool, he can do anything.

I am getting my energy back, sort of. But I still feel pretty tired. I only feel sick when I say I don't, so Im not going to say that either. Life is good. Its starting to calm down a big now, which I am ready for. And the bigger, and bigger I get :)

That is all!

Ticky Tacky.
captivas
My body feels like a giant balloon. My hips and thighs feel like they've exploded with growth. My stomach though has seemed to have shrunk down. I don't feel quite as bloated. I can only imagine how I'll feel later on. I am only just over 3 months at this point. My baby is the size of a peach :) I have been applying for jobs for Mike. Yes, Me. Mike may be many things, but a grammatical genius is not one of them. Its been nice being in Michigan, and I really hope that we do get the option to move back. Joe and Tana have been nice enough to let us stay here, with the dogs. Thank god for them.

I don't even know why I am writing this right now to be honest. I tried to work tonight, but I feel like my brain is just serious mush. I can't write for shit right now, especially not about "discount living room furniture".

Thats all.

?

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